A Walk Down Memory Lane

**It's a long one**

I was 18 years old when I left home. I was ready for a change. My life was not taking me where I felt it needed to be taking me. I knew I needed some kind of education, but I also knew that I could not afford college. So, with $150 in my pocket and everything I owned packed tightly into my little Geo Metro convertible, I made my journey from Arizona to Utah.

It was July, and it was hot. The plan was that I would follow the Interstate the entire way. It took me over 12 hours to get to where I was going. I now know a better route that takes me 8 1/2 hours if I am alone, and slightly longer with the fam.

My cousin and her husband were gracious enough to let me live with them. I felt guilty staying with them so I quickly found a job, and I found a place to live with a family nearby. The rental was a diaster and still makes me teary when I think about it. My cousin and I laugh that I must have felt like they were the getto. I didn't feel that way, but I didn't want to take advantage of them either. I was young. I was immature, but I was on my own.

Sometime in either August or September of 1996, I cannot remember when, I was able to purchase a contract to an apartment, and it wasn't too long after that that I was able to get a better job than the graveyard shift at Denny's. (Deni at Denny's = awesome).

At the time, temp agencies were a popular way to get a job. I had great typing skills so I knew that I could find something using those skills. There was a call center that was hiring several hundred people and I was lucky enough to be one of those people.

During the orientation, I remember the roll call very clearly. Deni Bigler - here. Brett Berger - here. I clearly remember thinking (Berger...poor guy, that's a terrible last name, I'm sure he was teased...) We were then called into different training groups and we trained for the various positions.

A few days into training, I was put onto the phones. The learning curve wasn't that big and i caught on quickly. Little did I know that someone had noticed that I was excelling.

A few weeks into working I ended up on the same team with that young man named Brett Berger. One day  Brett asked me why I hadn't responded to his e-mail. I asked him "What's e-mail?" This was 1996 you know. I came from a small town and you had to pay a lot of money for Internet. I didn't have a clue how to e-mail. Brett quickly showed me how and our relationship was born.

Six months from the time I met Brett Berger, I was married to him. Two days from now I will celebrate 15 years with Brett. He is my best friend. We have been through a lot together. He accepts me through all of my weaknesses. He looks past my faults and loves me for me. I love him with all of my heart.

Brainwashed

Every year the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has a meeting called 'General Conference'. It is an opportunity for people around the world to hear from our leaders. A topic is not assigned to the speakers. They are asked to pray about what they feel God would want His people to know.

I grew up listening to General Conference. Sometimes we would go to the church where it was broadcast and watch it. Other times we would listen to it on the radio. It wasn't until I moved away from home and lived in an apartment where all of my roommates watched every session that I fully came to love 'General Conference'. It is rare that I miss a session, and I feel a loss when I do.

It also wasn't until I moved to UT that I saw the utter persecution of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints twice a year. Picket signs are made and evangelical shouters stand on the street corners that surround the conference building. Some even wrap our sacred garments around their heads and yell obscenities. We have taught our kids to look the other way. I have reminded myself to look the other way.

I don't typically take a lot of merit to the things that are said against the religion that I love. However, with the recent conference being just two short weeks ago, I read an online post from a distant relative stating that he had listened to General Conference this year and that he couldn't possibly believe that LDS people believe in a loving God and that we are all brainwashed. My mind has not strayed far from that post for several days. So, if I am brainwashed, here is what I have been brainwashed to believe:

• We lived with our Heavenly Father before we were born.
  
• We have come to earth to prove ourselves worthy to return to our Heavenly Father's presence.
  
• Just as in days of old, living prophets live on the earth today.
  
• Just as in days of old, temples have returned to the earth. In those temples we are given instruction. We have the opportunity to make binding sacred covenants with God. If we give strict heed to those covenants, we will receive the blessings of heaven, from a loving Heavenly Father.
  
• My family can and will be together forever. Death will not depart me from my husband or my children. When I think of the times in my life when one of my family members has knocked on heaven's door, or even when my sister was taken from this life early, I cannot fathom what it must feel like to have a belief that I will not be with those that I love after this life. It is too painful.
  
• We were not sent to earth to bear our burdens alone.
  
• Jesus Christ is the foundation of all. He is our Savior and the Redeemer of the world. It is by Him and through His matchless atonement that we, the natural men, can repent and be cleansed of our sins.

So, to my distant relative whom I am sure will never read this, if being with my family forever, and having a belief that God still wants to lead and guide His people on the earth today, and that we are not alone, that Jesus Christ is our Savior, and that God is our loving Heavenly Father is being brainwashed, then my dear loved one - scrub away.

When Heaven Weeps

Each of us experiences at times our own box of darkness. Feelings of self doubt and insecurities are a part of each of our lives. Are we good enough? Are we thin enough? Are our homes clean enough? (In case you're wondering, mine is not...)

It seems that I know many people these days who are carrying around their own boxes. Some boxes are bigger than others. Some seem harder to climb out of. Some are down right heavy.

I had a recent conversation with someone that I love where they told me they just didn't want to have thoughts of suicide any more. Thoughts of suicide? Really?

That conversation has turned my thoughts to the times in my life when I no longer believed I could go on. On one particular night I thought it would be a good idea to drown myself in the bathtub. My box of darkness had ever encompassed me. I no longer believed that I was a worthy mother, wife, daughter, person. I thought that by literally drowning myself, my sorrows would cease and those around me would be much better off. That night as I lay asleep in bed, my sweet little angel of a daughter nudged me in the middle of the night and said, "Mom, I just need you." That one act was an answer to a prayer. I was needed. If no one on this earth needed me, my daughter needed me, and she needed me just at the right time. I realized for one small moment that my Heavenly Father knew me for He had sent an answer to my prayers.

A few weeks ago I attended the temple. I had gone alone and was in search of some much needed answers. As I sat in the chapel waiting, I had a clear impression "You are ok. If I want your other trials to cease,  you need to accept yourself." I pushed the thought away. Surely the answer to my prayers wouldn't be directed at me. I was there to find answers for those that I love. The thought came again "You are ok. Stop the cycle." What a healing experience. I am forever hard on myself. My outward appearance is tainted in my mind. I have a hard time with self acceptance and I feel that others must feel the same about me that I do. Yet as my box of darkness begins to seep its way back to my door step, a loving Heavenly Father hears my pleas and He heals my broken heart.

My heart aches that those that I love feel that if they were taken out of the equation, life would be much better. Lately I have had a glimpse of when heaven weeps.

A Lesson in Patience

It is 30 degrees outside and all I want to do is ride. I gear up - three layers of pants, ear muffs, face mask, arm warmers and coat, thick gloves, glasses and helmet. As I glide down the driveway I ask myself "Is this really what you should be doing?" I don't really care today. I just want to ride.

The first half mile of my ride is uneventful. The wind is at my back and I feel pretty strong. Two seconds later I am turned on to another road and a wind gush nearly knocks my bike over. The voice inside my head clearly tells me to return home. Today is not the day. I struggle against the wind for the next mile and a half loop back to my home. I struggle to breathe and I keep telling myself to leave it on the road. Don't bring it home Deni, just leave it on the road.

It's funny how life is sometimes. Saturday I ran a 10k with a friend. I beat my time by over a minute and for some reason, that wasn't good enough. My calf is giving me trouble, and I feel like I have somehow failed because of it. I expect perfection, but what is perfect? A podium finish? I don't have that answer and I wish I did.

In Between

Just before the new year, I took Sydney shopping. She needed Sunday shoes. My thoughts have swirled around the phases we are going through with Sydney. She is becoming a lady. I miss the days where she was figuring out words and teasing us by getting her hands wet and acting like she was sneezing and getting us wet. I miss the fun-loving, little miss independent. My little girl is becoming a lady.

I'm an in-and-out kind of shopper. I like going into the store, finding what I need and leaving. Sydney likes going into a store, touching all of the items in the store, asking for everything she has touched, and touching some more. It absolutely drives me crazy. I try to remind myself that I am spending time with her and it isn't all that long before she will be out of my reach.

We looked all over the mall for shoes. We finally went to a store where a worker told us that if she could fit into a size 3 shoe, she could fit into a size 5 women shoe. So, off to the woman’s section we went. Of course all of the shoes on the woman’s side had 3 inch heels. She was convinced she needed them all. I reminded her that she was 8, not 16. I'm sure all of the people who passed us thought I was a terrible mother, but uhhh, she's 8.

We finally settled on a couple pair of shoes from the first store that we went to. She was thrilled, and beautiful, although a bit disappointed that they weren't high-heeled boots. I reminded her that she wasn't a baby, and she wasn't a teenager just yet. She was somewhere in between.

Of Days Past/passed

Recently I spent several hours going over our pictures of our kids so that I could take advantage of a Groupon coupon that I bought a year ago. As I sifted through the 12,000+ photos, my heart ached for the days that have passed me. I reflected on my role as a mother. Have I taught my kids the principles they need to know to make it in this world? Are they honest when they are away from me? Do they have the confidence they need to do what they need to do?

I smiled at Sydney as I went through her pictures. She painted her clothes, and her face. She dumped rice all over the floor and when I caught her, she scattered it even more.

I miss the days that I had to have the alarm chime on the door so that I knew where she was. During those days I knew that if I heard 'Back Door', I was safe, but if I heard 'Front Door' I had to go running because she was on her way to the park. One day I didn't hear the door. I was in the basement and when I came upstairs, she was nowhere to be found. I panicked. We were new in the neighborhood, and not many people knew us. I went to the park and she wasn't there. I was beside myself. I ran around the block, and she was with a woman that was bringing her home. I miss that Sydney. Now she is self-sufficient. She does her own hair most days, she prefers to make her own breakfast. She helps me in the kitchen. All of those things are nice, but I miss the little girl that kept me on my toes. I guess she still keeps me on my toes, just in a different way.

I mourned for the little guy that Ryan once was. He showed me that people can do hard things. His hospital pictures are sometimes hard to look at. As he has grown, and we have documented his life through pictures, he has become a good young man. He is caring and thoughtful. I often sing to him when I put him down for bed, and there are certain songs that he won't let me sing because they break his heart. One song is by Hilary Weeks called "God Bless Your Way". It is about a man that is trying to find a place to stay the night of Christ's birth - he is constantly turned away. Ryan cries every time. He cries when he sees homeless people. One year we were in Arizona visiting my family and a homeless woman came down her street and was digging through the trash. Ryan couldn't stand to watch it. He has a very tender heart.

I love my children and I miss the days that have passed.

I Belong

Last night Brett and I had the opportunity to serve in the Lindon Cannery. It was a welfare assignment, so it was longer than the typical shift if you are there to purchase goods on your own. They sent the sign up around on Sunday and I sent a txt message to Brett and asked him if he would go with me on a date. I know you aren't supposed to txt in church, and I don't normally, but I needed to know if he would be willing.

Our Assignments
We arrived at the cannery at 3:30, a half hour before our scheduled shift. We sat in the car, both reading articles on our phones. At 3:45 we decided to go and check in. Lucky for us, we were in charge of labeling. (no dirty clothes)

Brett's assignment was to get the cans from the cooler, and my job was to stand at a conveyer belt and make sure the cans all had labels on them. We were working on pork and beans.

When I first arrived at my station, a missionary came and introduced himself to me and gave me instructions on what I was to do. I was nervous that I wouldn't do a good job, or that I would miss a can, but I caught on quickly and took care of the job at hand. Brett was across the way from me and another missionary kept going back and forth between us and setting up 'a date'. He was so funny. He would come and tell me that Brett thought that I was quite the catch and that he wanted to set us up. Then he would go over to Brett and tell him that I thought he was pretty neat. We conversed for quite some time about our 'date' that we would go on when we left for the evening. Funny thing, I told him where we were eating and just as we were getting ready to finish our food, he and his wife showed up to eat. We had a good laugh and he told us he was checking to make sure Brett followed through.

A New Friend
We had been at the cannery for about 20 minutes when the missionary that was helping me asked me how many kids I had and what their ages were. I answered him, and a few minutes later he said "I bet you would be just like my Kim if she were still here." I looked at him and asked him if his daughter had passed away and he told me that she was killed by a drunk driver when she was 17. We are the same age. We reminisced about Kim, and I told him about Azure and we talked the night away. We spoke of the pain of losing a loved one, a pain that can't possibly be understood until you go through it yourself. He often made comments about how it was hard for him to look at me because he pictured me being his daughter. My heart ached.

In the end, I got his phone number and promised to visit him and his wife, who now suffers from fibromyalgia. I don't want to replace their daughter, but I know how important it is to be able to talk about those you love who have passed beyond the veil.

Another Testimony
Standing on that stool at that conveyer belt last night, I was proud of the membership I have in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It gives me countless opportunities to serve others. Not only did I assist in the process of canning for the welfare program of the church, I made a new friend, and I can only pray that I can help heal a broken heart. I believe it is what the Savior would do if he were standing right beside me. I'm grateful to know it is where I belong.

Time Stamped

As I try to wrap my feelings around themselves and jot them down, my emotions take me in multiple directions and I can hardly decipher what it is that my heart needs to say.

This week is 'Azure' week, as dubbed by a friend. I think it fits. Azure week. I feel like each day I should be doing something, kind of like at school when it is 'Mustang' week, or whatever your mascot may be. We are mustangs, which ironically is the same mascot that I was as a child.

I feel like I should down some Dr. Pepper, but I don't drink carbonation, so I will just do it in spirit. A toast to Razz. Razz is what I called her. Razzle, Dazzle, Daisy -- Razz for short.

Each year I want to share something new,  a newness to the story that I haven't shared before. If I share something new, someone might be touched, and know just how much I loved her. The thing is, there isn't much that I haven't shared, so today I will open my heart one more time, and possibly share a duplicate story.

Azure lived with us for several months. She brought joy into our home, but she also drove me crazy. I caught her drinking out of the milk jug. Who does that? She did, and it was no big deal to her. You have to understand, we are germies at our house. You don't drink out of the milk jug, or the apple juice jug, or the 2-liter bottle, unless you are chugging the very last drops. That is unless you are Azure, and then you drink out of the jug whenever you want to and it is ok.

Azure loved the Little Rascals. She taught Ryan 'the sign'. She would ask him "What's your sign" and he would give it to her.

Ryan made funny noises when he wanted milk, and she LOVED it. She would laugh as if it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. When we finally went to get it on video, he stopped with those noises. She was devastated. I think she almost blamed me for wanting to get it on video.

The day Azure passed from this life is a day I will never forget. The events of the day repeat in my mind from time to time. My phone log from the day showed 1:07pm MST as the end of my phone call with her. Her very last words on this earth, to me, to any one of us at 1:07pm.

We received a journal entry from a friend who was there. She recalled pulling out onto the highway and seeing the car roll at 12:07pm Arizona time. The exact same time. I can't help but feel like there is significance to that time. I have mulled it over in my mind time and time again. Even if our clocks were slightly off of each other it is hard to believe that we both recorded that time. I believe her passing was time stamped.

Daughter of a King

I hope that one day Syd can look back on her life and realize how special she is. I had the opportunity to work in her classroom today. I arrived early and got instructions from the teacher. The recess bell rang and the children began to file into the classroom. The teacher gave instructions to the class to get out their math journal, and their math book. I quietly observed as Sydney followed instructions and took out her journal, and then as if it were her responsibility, she turned the the little guy next to her and gently took out his journal and his math book and helped him with the instructions the teacher had given. The little boy never acknowledged Syd, but he has special needs, and I don't know that he would even think to thank her. I was amazed at her tenderness towards him. I pulled the teacher aside and asked if she always did just what I had observed her doing. The teacher affirmed that yes, Sydney was always helpful, and she put her there because Timmy needed the help. I was touched by her example.

On August 6th, Sydney became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints by being baptized. My experience in teaching Sydney about the gospel has been different than with Ryan and I appreciate the opportunities it has awarded me. My testimony has grown in being able to answer her questions.

We were fortunate to have family attend Syd's special event. Aunt Jessica braided her hair while I got the food ready for the luncheon we had following her baptism. Grandma and Grandpa Berger were in attendance along with Aunt Stefanie, Uncle Garrin, and family, and Aunt Teresa and her children. Grandma and Grandpa Bigler were also in attendance as well as Aunt Jessica, Uncle Nic and family (including Nic's sister), and my cousin Kania. Brett baptized her and Grandpa Bigler confirmed her a member of the church and gave her the gift of the Holy Ghost. My emotions were hard to contain. I always love baptisms. I love the special spirit that is present.

Now that school is in full swing, I rarely get time with Syd. She is busy doing homework, chores and playing with friends. We had the fun opportunity of watching her do a little 'junior drill team' performance last week at the JV football game. She did a great job and enjoyed the time she spent with her friend.

I recognize Sydney's divine nature. She has come to me from a much higher power than I can comprehend. I hope and pray that I can be the mother that she needs and teach her the principles she needs to withstand the temptations of our day. She truly is the daughter of a King.

And When I Doubt...

During my sister's funeral, a song was sung with the lyrics that said "...and when I doubt, there are things in life I just can't figure out, I trust that God is in control, and I hold on to the things I know."

I have had a lot of opportunities recently to reflect on the direction I have taken for my life. Either I am following the principles that God would want me to follow, or I am wasting my life away and I should be 'enjoying' things that I choose not to be a part of me.

All of my choices have consequences. My choice not to consume certain substances allows me to enter the temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, a place that I believe is the home of our Heavenly Father. That choice also allows me to be able to have a clear mind in an otherwise cloudy world. If my anxiety flairs, I run or I bike, or most importantly, I get on my knees and I pray. I do this to clear my head, and through that outlet, I am still able to make clear choices. Nothing has altered my mind in a way that will cause me to make an unwise choice, resulting in a tragic consequence.

My choice to raise my children in an organized religion allows me to reflect often on my Savior, Jesus Christ. We are aiming to become like Him. Jesus Christ's life was one of service. He was about His Father's business. I aim to do the same. These choices have the consequence of constant peace. I need that peace.

I have chosen to believe the story of a young 14-year old boy who wanted to know which organized religion was true. He read in the bible in James 1:5 - ^aIf any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."  He then took that challenge and went into a grove of trees, resulting in an answer that I believe we all wish we could receive. He had the privilege of seeing our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. From this visit, the gospel of Jesus Christ was restored to the earth, the same gospel that was on the earth in ancient times. This gospel consisted of apostles, prophets, evangelists, teachers. This same gospel is here on the earth today.


During a lesson on eternal marriage, the thought was presented like this - If we are truly eternal beings, if there truly is eternity, why then would there not be eternal marriage? I believe in eternal marriage. My husband, and my children are sealed to me for time and all eternity by way of the Holy Priesthood which has been restored to the earth today. I live my life in accordance to receive the sealing power of the Holy Spirit. This sealing power can be ours if we live for it.


I know God lives. I know he loves me. I knows He hears and answers my prayers. I know that Jesus Christ gave His life for me and for you. I know that you can have the same knowledge that I have if you ask in sincere prayer.

So, when I doubt there are things in life I just can't figure out, I trust that God is in control, 

and I hold on to the things I know. 

A Piece of My Heart

For years I have pieced together pieces of my life. My biological father stepped out of my life very early in my life. I was blessed by an amazing father to step in and allow me to etch myself into his heart. I will forever be grateful to Keith Bigler for allowing me to be 'his' daughter. It takes a lot for a person to do what my dad did for me. I love him for it.

Throughout my life I've learned about pieces of my family that were not a part of my growing up. Four years ago I attended the funeral of my biological paternal grandmother. It was a wonderful experience for me and I began the process of healing a few pieces of my heart. During the summer of that same year, we traveled to TX and spent some time with that side of the family. Even though I was grateful for the connection, I still knew that there were more people that I needed to find.

I don't know how old I was when I learned that I had two brothers. I've known for a very long time. I payed a service to find them and it came up with a dead end. All of the phone numbers that were listed were all disconnected. I was frustrated, and I had a fear that even if I did find them, they wouldn't want to be a part of my life. I worried that their mom would still want to protect them from the knowledge that my sister and I existed.

Fast forward to February. I had just finished watching the TV Series "Who Do You Think You Are?". The story portrayed there peaked my curiosity. I wondered if I would be able to find them on Facebook, a social media site. I remembered one brother's name, but I didn't remember the other's. I typed in the name and there were several entries there with that name. I then tried 'googling' that name and I found the information I had forgotten. I went back to Facebook and looked up a different name and there they were right on my computer screen. I decided to e-mail my Uncle and Aunt in TX and let them know that I thought I had found them. I was scared, nervous, anxious, you name it - that was me. I decided that I would send a message to both of the boys and hope that one of them responded. I went to church and when I returned, I had a message from one brother and we made the connection. We were in fact siblings.

Over the course of the next few months we sent messages back and forth answering each other's questions. I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know each brother, both of them being so different, yet so wonderful.

On Sydney's birthday we were spending some time with some friends. My friend told me that she was thinking about making a quick trip to California to go through the temple with her sister-in-law who was going through for the first time. I told her that maybe I could go with her and we could meet my brothers for the first time. When I returned home, I saw that one brother was going to be out of town for the weekend and I didn't want to meet one without meeting the other, so I told the friend that I would not be able to go. She was bummed.

Two days later, she sent me a txt message and told me that she could really use a buddy to go to CA. I then started talking to Brett and trying to make the decision as to whether or not I should go. I sent a message to both brothers and asked them if they would be in town. They both responded and they were both available around the time that I was going to be in town.

So, on Tuesday July 26, 2011 I hopped into the car and drove to CA. We left around noon and we arrived at our destination just after 8pm local time. I walked into the restaurant that we were meeting one brother. He turned and saw me and walked over and gave me a big hug. I could not believe the love that I felt for him immediately. The feelings are some that I have never experienced before.

Day One - After 26 years we meet.

We talked, we barely ate, we laughed, we hugged again, and we arranged to see each other again over the course of the next 24 hours.

Lunch

On Wednesday I met my second brother. We met for lunch and I immediately felt comfortable in his arms. We talked of the past and tried to put the pieces of our lives together. The couple of hours that I got to spend with them at lunch was not enough. We planned to have breakfast on Thursday morning. Thursday morning arrived and we met for smoothies/coffee at Starbucks. I was able to meet their mother and I felt so accepted. It was a wonderful meeting. 

Saying goodbye was agonizing. I had waited my whole life to meet my brothers and now I was having to walk away and go home. I knew I needed to be home for my family, but it was a horrible feeling to have to walk away.

As we drove away I knew that I was leaving a piece of my heart in California. 

Sacred Trials

While at Women's conference in April,  I wrote down a few notes that could lead to a blog post or two. It has taken me a while to pull my thoughts together enough to jot them down here.

One of the things that Sister Dalton spoke of was that of 'Sacred Trials'. That phrase rang true to me. I have had sacred trials. In the darkness of those trials, sometimes the light seems ever distant. Then as I emerge from that darkness and see the light of day, the sacredness of the lessons learned etches itself into my heart.

I have thought often about what makes a trial sacred. Many of my life's experiences have changed my perspective. Many of my prayers have been heard and my soul, if even for a moment communes with that of a Higher power.

The Seed
As I really begin to immerse myself in the lessons I have learned throughout my life, I of course give credit to the wonderful parents and leaders that I have had. I haven't always been a spiritual person. While in High School, my choices took me down a path that I am not proud of today. However, as I walked away from that path and allowed the Atonement of Jesus Christ to work in my life, a seed was planted.

When I was 19 years old I was married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I made covenants with Brett and with God that bound me to Brett beyond the grave. I was not married until 'death do us part'. I was married for time, and throughout all eternity. Any children that came into my family would be sealed to me beyond the grave as well. My seed was beginning to grow.

Along Came One
Brett and I were married for 2 1/2 years before we were blessed with Ryan in our lives. I had miscarried twice before he came and I was thrilled to be a mom. Shortly after he was born, we learned that he had no immune system. The treatment -- a bone marrow transplant. Without diminishing the sacred nature of some of the things that went on within the walls of the hospital, I will say that angels walk the halls of the Children's hospital, and we were recipients of their care. That trial has become very sacred to me. I have learned things that I never would have learned had I not gone through it. The most important thing that I learned was that God hears and answers prayers, and miracles are still performed on the earth today.

A Box of Darkness
When Sydney came along, I was plagued with severe post-pardom depression. I had no idea that such feelings could even exist. I was a mess. I remember very well the box of darkness that I was stuck in. While I never want to return to that box, I have learned so much from my experiences and I have empathy for those who suffer from this horrible mental illness. There are times even today, 8 years later, that I find myself on my way back to the box. I am grateful that I have learned to use the tools given me to climb out of the box from time to time.

Counting Blessings
I could probably spend hours recounting my life and documenting the trials I have had and the lessons I have learned. I am a better person today than I was a year, 5 years, even 10 years ago.  I have much to be thankful for. I am grateful to be able to recognize that my blessings have come from Sacred Trials.

Rockwell Relay - Glorious End

During leg 7 (there were 8 legs of the ride), Joy had a mechanical problem. Her tire blew a hole in it. I'm not sure how long she had to wait for our support vehicle to show up, but she had given us a heads up that it might blow so I was anxious to get going  from the pit stop that we made. We all got out and helped her put a new tire on. Within a few hundred feet the second tire blew the side wall.

 I quickly got out of the van and offered to finish her leg. Within a few minutes I was off.

As I rode to the top of the hill, I kept telling myself to prove what I as made of. I felt like I had failed the team in my second leg because I had allowed myself to be under fueled. It was now my time to redeem myself. I made good time up the 1.66 mile climb. As I reached the summit, Joy was standing outside of her car offering to finish the leg for me. I declined. I told her that the beauty of working so hard on an ascent is the descent that comes after. I felt so bad for her. I could understand how she must be feeling, but I also knew that I had worked hard, and I need to prove to my team, and to myself that I could be strong.

Climbing...

Joy offering me some energy chews.

I ended up riding just over 15 miles on this leg. When I arrived at the exchange, my rider wasn't around. We yelled for our team number and she came out of the crowd to take the bracelet and finish.

Hilary leaving for the final leg.

Hilary kicking butt. She was so much farther than we had expected.

Joy found a bike shop in Heber, UT and got a new tire. We really wanted to finish together. We thought that we would reach our next rider early on in her leg, but she kicked some butt and it took us a while to find her. Once we did find her, we all jumped out of the car and took our bikes off the rack and finished the remaining 8 miles with her.

One last pic before the finish

We figure we lost an hour with the mechanical problem. That hour allowed a LOT of teams to pass us. Through it though we formed a bond with each other that we wouldn't have formed had that not happened. Rides like these are not about just one person. They are about pulling together as a team and stepping up to the plate when you need to.

Joy - complete Joy

Rockwell Relay - Dead Center

Me, Hilary, and KM ready waiting for Joy.

It was a lot of fun being in the vehicle and cheering on the team. We found that it was best to cheer on for the first half of the leg, and then go on to the next exchange so that we could prepare ourselves for the next leg.

Superhero Joy. Always making us laugh.

By noonish I was back on the road. I made the mistake of not fueling my body enough. That coupled with the heat, and a very strong headwind, my next leg of 16.4 miles was brutal. The wind was so bad on the back of the mountain that there was no relief on the descents. I had to constantly pedal. By mile 11, I was starving. Luckily Joy, my teammate, gave me some CHOMPS to eat before I left. I really didn't think I would need them as the leg was only 16 miles, but I'm forever grateful that she gave them to me. Typically, you eat one gooey goodness every hour. I was hungry enough and out of enough energy that I ate six of the dang things within just a few minutes.

Waiting for Hilary to meet me at Exchange 4, my second leg

Notice the deer on the side of the road. It scared the crap out of me.

SO glad to be finished! 

The next leg of the race was an out and back leg. They would not allow the cars to go and support our riders so we were at that rest stop until our rider returned. We hung out and talked and ate chocolate-dipped cinnamon bears and strawberries. Since it was a 'pamperfest' there were two massage therapists there. (Not quite enough for the crowd)  I got in the line, but it was so long that I hopped out of it. I think that time was some of my favorite. I really enjoyed getting to know the women on my team.

Rockwell Relay - The Beginning.

This past weekend I was invited to participate in the Rockwell Relay Pamperfest. A friend that I have made through cycling had won a team entry and she ended up sick.

I have to admit, I was a little giddy when she asked me to ride. I wanted to put a team together, but I was so busy at the end of June, I didn't have time to put anything together. I just figured I'd hold off until next year.

We had a team meeting on Tuesday July 5th. We decided who would ride which legs, what time we would meet, etc. We all thought it would be best to sleep in our own beds and drive up early Saturday morning to the Snowbasin ski resort in Ogden. Of course I didn't sleep that well the night before the ride, and my stomach was in knots all morning as I was the team member that was going to start us off.

The team before the start
L-R - Joy, Hilary, KM, Myrinda, Me

Our ride was 168 miles of some of the most beautiful country I have ever seen. I had no idea that Utah had so much beauty just north of me. We went from mountainous beauty to lush green hillsides to massive walls of red rock. We passed reservoir, after reservoir, after reservoir. It was absolutely beautiful.

My first leg of the relay was 22.22 miles. We began by circling the parking lot of the Snowbasin resort twice and then a climb out of the resort. We descended Trappers Loop and that allowed me to be FAST. I got going 42 mph going down the hill.

The First Descent

My phrase on this leg - "on your left".  I started at the front of the pack and after the first circle around the parking lot I had dropped back to the back of the pack. The road was damp from the sprinklers and there was a little gravel. I was a little nervous and took the loops with caution. As we left the parking lot, we all began the first climb of the day. I looked up ahead and there were probably 20 or so ladies in front of me. I felt really, really slow, but as the minutes began to pass, I began to pass those women. There were very few that I didn't pass on the climb and I felt great. I pushed myself and played leap frog with a girl several times. By the end of the leg she said to me "You pass me on every single hill!" I smiled and said, "Yeah, but you pass me on every single descent." She laughed and said "That's because I'm heavier and that makes the descents faster." We both rode near each other for the last 2 miles and finished within seconds of each other.

We had fun in the van cheering on the rest of our team. We would drive next to our rider and honk our horn in a funny way. I actually loved that because I knew when I heard that sound, it was my ladies behind me cheering me on.

Who's afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

Yesterday I experienced my first-ever all women's ride. I've never been an all women's anything type of person. When Brett and I were looking at the calendar for our rides this summer, I decided that I wanted to do the Little Red Riding Hood ride that begins near Logan, UT.  (About 3 hours away)

I had heard about the ride. Brett was planning to do other rides, and the ULCER that we did last year together falls on the same day that Sydney is going to be baptized. So, I stalked the Little Red blog for weeks. They finally posted when they thought registration would open up, so I put a reminder on my phone to check the registration page daily. The day finally came and they opened registration. I sat at the computer until the clock turned over to noon and I tried to register. The link was down. :(

I looked them up on Facebook and someone there said that the link on Active.com was live so I hurried over and registered. I'm glad I did as registration filled in less than 24 hours.

Over the course of a few months, I took a few bike rides. The weather in UT has been less than inviting for a bike with skinny tires. Plus, I'm lazy, so I didn't make it out as much as I should have, but I rode in conditions that I never have before, so I'd like to say I evened myself out :).

We traveled to Brigham City on Friday night after we attended a bee class. Our hotel was a dive, but it was a place to sleep. After a horrible night's sleep, we were up at 5:15am to shower and get ready to make the hour drive to Lewiston, UT.

We met a group of ladies from our neck of the woods at their hotel at 6:30am. After filling my water bottles and using the facilities, we headed to the start line.

By 7:30 am we were on the road. I forgot to hit the start button on my watch for the first two minutes of the ride. I'm glad that I had the thought to check it so early on as I like to know how far I've gone, etc.

Right before the starting bell

Shortly after the 14-mile rest stop, (I guessed around mile 20 or so) we came upon a set of railroad tracks. I had latched myself onto a woman and we were getting to know each other. As we went across the tracks, I hit them at a wrong angle and I hit the pavement. Nice. I quickly got up and my new friend turned around and made sure I was ok. Thankfully, I was ok, but I now have a cracked helmet that will have to be replaced and have road rash that is less than pleasant.

We were able to join a group and ride for quite some time. It was really nice to get a break from having to ride like we were. I rode with my new friend Cecilia until shortly after the lunch stop at mile 55 where I could no longer keep her cadence and told her to go ahead.

Me at about mile 40 - after the wreck

I rode alone for about 20 miles. It was a miserable part of the ride for me. My negative self talk tends to get the best of me. I am usually a strong rider on hills, but not that day. Every hill seemed to take the wind out of my sails. By the time I hit the rest stop at mile 78, I was ready to be done. I sent Brett a text message and told him where I was and that I was struggling. He called me and told me to hang in there and he let the kids cheer me on through my voicemail. Not long after that I heard a lady say - "Hey, if you're coming, now's the time. We have a train." I looked up and a huge group of women started to get their bikes ready. I knew that if I was going to finish the race at a decent pace, I needed to jump on the back of that train.

I kept my distance for a while as I didn't know these women and I didn't want them to be upset that I was drafting off of them. I finally got the courage to ask one of the women if it was ok if I rode with their group. She was gracious and she said yes. It wasn't too long after that that I actually dropped her and scooted up and asked another woman if I could ride with them. I spent the next 20 miles with that group, and I was grateful for the relief. I worked really hard, but they were riding so fast that I was never able to take my turn at the front. For that I am very sorry.

(Me just minutes before the finish line. I was busting my butt and I had no idea these ladies were behind me.)

I finished the ride in 5 hours 37 minutes and some seconds (can't remember how many). My average time was 17.5 mph. It was a great day.

Me at the finish line

The Road Rash - Notice the pavement that is now a part of the uniform

My Knee. Strangely it has looked like this before :(

I learned a few lessons that day.

1. Take pain medications on the road with you. (Thanks to the lady that stopped and gave me some when I hit the pavement)
2. Our bodies can do amazing things.
3. If I want to be the one pulling on the rides, I need to be more consistent in my training. My new goal is to be that person.
4. You can still be fat and ride 100 miles. Even with all of the training I have done, my body is not where I want it to be.
5. Having a supportive family means everything.

6. I am a cyclist now. It is in my blood.

The Big Bad Wolf - He rocked!

Wash Your Face

Yesterday I asked Ryan to shower and wash his face. Later in the day I had taken him out with me and I looked over at him and noticed that his face was still dirty. Our conversation then went something like this:

Me - Ryan, did you shower today?

Ryan - Yes.

Me - Did you wash your face?

Ryan - No.

Me - Why?

Ryan - Well, because I didn't want to wash my butt and then wash my face.

Me - Nice.

Sharks!!!

We got a new computer recently and last night I was browsing the different applications and came across this video. Soooo funny!

Women's Conference - Day Two - Sister Beck

SIster Julie B. Beck, Relief Society General President opened the Second Day of Women's conference. As always she was wonderful. Here are my notes from her words.

Identity can only be made known by a spiritual confirmation.
Women are the guardians of the hearth of the home
Non-negotiable responsibilities - Mother, Sister, Aunt, Daughter, Wife

Am I aligned with the vision the Lord has for me?

We do not get a pass to the responsibilities that we were given.

When I remember the Savior's sacrifice, I remember "Who owes who?"

Relief Society, when functioned properly is Charity
Charity requires repentance and change. We should be seeking charity always -- it is more than benevolence, it is becoming like our Savior.

Faith that he will fulfill every promise.
Faith is how the Lord heals us
Faith is possible

We should never confuse the holder of the priesthood with the priesthood. The priesthood is the power of God.

Sisters and brothers have the same ordinances and covenants to help us to return to our Heavenly Father.

Go to the temple and pay attention. - Look - feel - learn - pay attention

Help our home be blessed by the strength of priesthood power.

Female identity - to know that I am a Child of God. It is an expectation to live so that I can qualify for God's presence.

Charity Never Faileth = The Atonement in action

The companionship of the Holy Ghost should be our strength and our goal.

Rather than plan for a product, prepare for the Lord's plan for me

In the end it will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end :)

If you want to have a good experience, go after it.

Women's Conference - Day One Sister Dalton and ???

Well, here I am almost a month later and I have forgotten who spoke these wonderful words so I cannot give them the proper credit. I want this information documented though, so here it is anyway.

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• It is better to please God than to please others. Our rewards for pleasing God are peace, joy and love. Our rewards for pleasing others are status and superiority. None of which last.
• If we are having a hard time feeling at love with ourselves, keeping the commandments will boost our confidence.
• As if principle - Treat them as if they are our own best friend.
• Feelings of faith promote faithful behavior.
• Love ourselves as much as we love our neighbors.
• True greatness requires noticing and then doing something about it.
• Quantity and Quality of our love for the Lord should be our yardstick by which we measure ourselves.

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Sister Elaine S Dalton

Sister Dalton is one of my favorite speakers. She too spoke of the importance of our identity. She said

• When we understand our identity, it defines all that we do.
• Charity is there because Christ is there
• Reach out and light up the life of a young woman
• Winners help others succeed. We can change lives.
• Recognize that each one is doing their best
• What matters more in life is not winning for ourselves, but helping someone else win