A Walk Down Memory Lane

**It's a long one**

I was 18 years old when I left home. I was ready for a change. My life was not taking me where I felt it needed to be taking me. I knew I needed some kind of education, but I also knew that I could not afford college. So, with $150 in my pocket and everything I owned packed tightly into my little Geo Metro convertible, I made my journey from Arizona to Utah.

It was July, and it was hot. The plan was that I would follow the Interstate the entire way. It took me over 12 hours to get to where I was going. I now know a better route that takes me 8 1/2 hours if I am alone, and slightly longer with the fam.

My cousin and her husband were gracious enough to let me live with them. I felt guilty staying with them so I quickly found a job, and I found a place to live with a family nearby. The rental was a diaster and still makes me teary when I think about it. My cousin and I laugh that I must have felt like they were the getto. I didn't feel that way, but I didn't want to take advantage of them either. I was young. I was immature, but I was on my own.

Sometime in either August or September of 1996, I cannot remember when, I was able to purchase a contract to an apartment, and it wasn't too long after that that I was able to get a better job than the graveyard shift at Denny's. (Deni at Denny's = awesome).

At the time, temp agencies were a popular way to get a job. I had great typing skills so I knew that I could find something using those skills. There was a call center that was hiring several hundred people and I was lucky enough to be one of those people.

During the orientation, I remember the roll call very clearly. Deni Bigler - here. Brett Berger - here. I clearly remember thinking (Berger...poor guy, that's a terrible last name, I'm sure he was teased...) We were then called into different training groups and we trained for the various positions.

A few days into training, I was put onto the phones. The learning curve wasn't that big and i caught on quickly. Little did I know that someone had noticed that I was excelling.

A few weeks into working I ended up on the same team with that young man named Brett Berger. One day  Brett asked me why I hadn't responded to his e-mail. I asked him "What's e-mail?" This was 1996 you know. I came from a small town and you had to pay a lot of money for Internet. I didn't have a clue how to e-mail. Brett quickly showed me how and our relationship was born.

Six months from the time I met Brett Berger, I was married to him. Two days from now I will celebrate 15 years with Brett. He is my best friend. We have been through a lot together. He accepts me through all of my weaknesses. He looks past my faults and loves me for me. I love him with all of my heart.

Brainwashed

Every year the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has a meeting called 'General Conference'. It is an opportunity for people around the world to hear from our leaders. A topic is not assigned to the speakers. They are asked to pray about what they feel God would want His people to know.

I grew up listening to General Conference. Sometimes we would go to the church where it was broadcast and watch it. Other times we would listen to it on the radio. It wasn't until I moved away from home and lived in an apartment where all of my roommates watched every session that I fully came to love 'General Conference'. It is rare that I miss a session, and I feel a loss when I do.

It also wasn't until I moved to UT that I saw the utter persecution of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints twice a year. Picket signs are made and evangelical shouters stand on the street corners that surround the conference building. Some even wrap our sacred garments around their heads and yell obscenities. We have taught our kids to look the other way. I have reminded myself to look the other way.

I don't typically take a lot of merit to the things that are said against the religion that I love. However, with the recent conference being just two short weeks ago, I read an online post from a distant relative stating that he had listened to General Conference this year and that he couldn't possibly believe that LDS people believe in a loving God and that we are all brainwashed. My mind has not strayed far from that post for several days. So, if I am brainwashed, here is what I have been brainwashed to believe:

• We lived with our Heavenly Father before we were born.
  
• We have come to earth to prove ourselves worthy to return to our Heavenly Father's presence.
  
• Just as in days of old, living prophets live on the earth today.
  
• Just as in days of old, temples have returned to the earth. In those temples we are given instruction. We have the opportunity to make binding sacred covenants with God. If we give strict heed to those covenants, we will receive the blessings of heaven, from a loving Heavenly Father.
  
• My family can and will be together forever. Death will not depart me from my husband or my children. When I think of the times in my life when one of my family members has knocked on heaven's door, or even when my sister was taken from this life early, I cannot fathom what it must feel like to have a belief that I will not be with those that I love after this life. It is too painful.
  
• We were not sent to earth to bear our burdens alone.
  
• Jesus Christ is the foundation of all. He is our Savior and the Redeemer of the world. It is by Him and through His matchless atonement that we, the natural men, can repent and be cleansed of our sins.

So, to my distant relative whom I am sure will never read this, if being with my family forever, and having a belief that God still wants to lead and guide His people on the earth today, and that we are not alone, that Jesus Christ is our Savior, and that God is our loving Heavenly Father is being brainwashed, then my dear loved one - scrub away.

When Heaven Weeps

Each of us experiences at times our own box of darkness. Feelings of self doubt and insecurities are a part of each of our lives. Are we good enough? Are we thin enough? Are our homes clean enough? (In case you're wondering, mine is not...)

It seems that I know many people these days who are carrying around their own boxes. Some boxes are bigger than others. Some seem harder to climb out of. Some are down right heavy.

I had a recent conversation with someone that I love where they told me they just didn't want to have thoughts of suicide any more. Thoughts of suicide? Really?

That conversation has turned my thoughts to the times in my life when I no longer believed I could go on. On one particular night I thought it would be a good idea to drown myself in the bathtub. My box of darkness had ever encompassed me. I no longer believed that I was a worthy mother, wife, daughter, person. I thought that by literally drowning myself, my sorrows would cease and those around me would be much better off. That night as I lay asleep in bed, my sweet little angel of a daughter nudged me in the middle of the night and said, "Mom, I just need you." That one act was an answer to a prayer. I was needed. If no one on this earth needed me, my daughter needed me, and she needed me just at the right time. I realized for one small moment that my Heavenly Father knew me for He had sent an answer to my prayers.

A few weeks ago I attended the temple. I had gone alone and was in search of some much needed answers. As I sat in the chapel waiting, I had a clear impression "You are ok. If I want your other trials to cease,  you need to accept yourself." I pushed the thought away. Surely the answer to my prayers wouldn't be directed at me. I was there to find answers for those that I love. The thought came again "You are ok. Stop the cycle." What a healing experience. I am forever hard on myself. My outward appearance is tainted in my mind. I have a hard time with self acceptance and I feel that others must feel the same about me that I do. Yet as my box of darkness begins to seep its way back to my door step, a loving Heavenly Father hears my pleas and He heals my broken heart.

My heart aches that those that I love feel that if they were taken out of the equation, life would be much better. Lately I have had a glimpse of when heaven weeps.