When Heaven Weeps

Each of us experiences at times our own box of darkness. Feelings of self doubt and insecurities are a part of each of our lives. Are we good enough? Are we thin enough? Are our homes clean enough? (In case you're wondering, mine is not...)

It seems that I know many people these days who are carrying around their own boxes. Some boxes are bigger than others. Some seem harder to climb out of. Some are down right heavy.

I had a recent conversation with someone that I love where they told me they just didn't want to have thoughts of suicide any more. Thoughts of suicide? Really?

That conversation has turned my thoughts to the times in my life when I no longer believed I could go on. On one particular night I thought it would be a good idea to drown myself in the bathtub. My box of darkness had ever encompassed me. I no longer believed that I was a worthy mother, wife, daughter, person. I thought that by literally drowning myself, my sorrows would cease and those around me would be much better off. That night as I lay asleep in bed, my sweet little angel of a daughter nudged me in the middle of the night and said, "Mom, I just need you." That one act was an answer to a prayer. I was needed. If no one on this earth needed me, my daughter needed me, and she needed me just at the right time. I realized for one small moment that my Heavenly Father knew me for He had sent an answer to my prayers.

A few weeks ago I attended the temple. I had gone alone and was in search of some much needed answers. As I sat in the chapel waiting, I had a clear impression "You are ok. If I want your other trials to cease,  you need to accept yourself." I pushed the thought away. Surely the answer to my prayers wouldn't be directed at me. I was there to find answers for those that I love. The thought came again "You are ok. Stop the cycle." What a healing experience. I am forever hard on myself. My outward appearance is tainted in my mind. I have a hard time with self acceptance and I feel that others must feel the same about me that I do. Yet as my box of darkness begins to seep its way back to my door step, a loving Heavenly Father hears my pleas and He heals my broken heart.

My heart aches that those that I love feel that if they were taken out of the equation, life would be much better. Lately I have had a glimpse of when heaven weeps.