It is 30 degrees outside and all I want to do is ride. I gear up - three layers of pants, ear muffs, face mask, arm warmers and coat, thick gloves, glasses and helmet. As I glide down the driveway I ask myself "Is this really what you should be doing?" I don't really care today. I just want to ride.
The first half mile of my ride is uneventful. The wind is at my back and I feel pretty strong. Two seconds later I am turned on to another road and a wind gush nearly knocks my bike over. The voice inside my head clearly tells me to return home. Today is not the day. I struggle against the wind for the next mile and a half loop back to my home. I struggle to breathe and I keep telling myself to leave it on the road. Don't bring it home Deni, just leave it on the road.
It's funny how life is sometimes. Saturday I ran a 10k with a friend. I beat my time by over a minute and for some reason, that wasn't good enough. My calf is giving me trouble, and I feel like I have somehow failed because of it. I expect perfection, but what is perfect? A podium finish? I don't have that answer and I wish I did.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
In Between
Just before the new year, I took Sydney shopping. She needed Sunday shoes. My thoughts have swirled around the phases we are going through with Sydney. She is becoming a lady. I miss the days where she was figuring out words and teasing us by getting her hands wet and acting like she was sneezing and getting us wet. I miss the fun-loving, little miss independent. My little girl is becoming a lady.
I'm an in-and-out kind of shopper. I like going into the store, finding what I need and leaving. Sydney likes going into a store, touching all of the items in the store, asking for everything she has touched, and touching some more. It absolutely drives me crazy. I try to remind myself that I am spending time with her and it isn't all that long before she will be out of my reach.
We looked all over the mall for shoes. We finally went to a store where a worker told us that if she could fit into a size 3 shoe, she could fit into a size 5 women shoe. So, off to the woman’s section we went. Of course all of the shoes on the woman’s side had 3 inch heels. She was convinced she needed them all. I reminded her that she was 8, not 16. I'm sure all of the people who passed us thought I was a terrible mother, but uhhh, she's 8.
We finally settled on a couple pair of shoes from the first store that we went to. She was thrilled, and beautiful, although a bit disappointed that they weren't high-heeled boots. I reminded her that she wasn't a baby, and she wasn't a teenager just yet. She was somewhere in between.
I'm an in-and-out kind of shopper. I like going into the store, finding what I need and leaving. Sydney likes going into a store, touching all of the items in the store, asking for everything she has touched, and touching some more. It absolutely drives me crazy. I try to remind myself that I am spending time with her and it isn't all that long before she will be out of my reach.
We looked all over the mall for shoes. We finally went to a store where a worker told us that if she could fit into a size 3 shoe, she could fit into a size 5 women shoe. So, off to the woman’s section we went. Of course all of the shoes on the woman’s side had 3 inch heels. She was convinced she needed them all. I reminded her that she was 8, not 16. I'm sure all of the people who passed us thought I was a terrible mother, but uhhh, she's 8.
We finally settled on a couple pair of shoes from the first store that we went to. She was thrilled, and beautiful, although a bit disappointed that they weren't high-heeled boots. I reminded her that she wasn't a baby, and she wasn't a teenager just yet. She was somewhere in between.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Of Days Past/passed
Recently I spent several hours going over our pictures of our kids so that I could take advantage of a Groupon coupon that I bought a year ago. As I sifted through the 12,000+ photos, my heart ached for the days that have passed me. I reflected on my role as a mother. Have I taught my kids the principles they need to know to make it in this world? Are they honest when they are away from me? Do they have the confidence they need to do what they need to do?
I smiled at Sydney as I went through her pictures. She painted her clothes, and her face. She dumped rice all over the floor and when I caught her, she scattered it even more.
I miss the days that I had to have the alarm chime on the door so that I knew where she was. During those days I knew that if I heard 'Back Door', I was safe, but if I heard 'Front Door' I had to go running because she was on her way to the park. One day I didn't hear the door. I was in the basement and when I came upstairs, she was nowhere to be found. I panicked. We were new in the neighborhood, and not many people knew us. I went to the park and she wasn't there. I was beside myself. I ran around the block, and she was with a woman that was bringing her home. I miss that Sydney. Now she is self-sufficient. She does her own hair most days, she prefers to make her own breakfast. She helps me in the kitchen. All of those things are nice, but I miss the little girl that kept me on my toes. I guess she still keeps me on my toes, just in a different way.
I mourned for the little guy that Ryan once was. He showed me that people can do hard things. His hospital pictures are sometimes hard to look at. As he has grown, and we have documented his life through pictures, he has become a good young man. He is caring and thoughtful. I often sing to him when I put him down for bed, and there are certain songs that he won't let me sing because they break his heart. One song is by Hilary Weeks called "God Bless Your Way". It is about a man that is trying to find a place to stay the night of Christ's birth - he is constantly turned away. Ryan cries every time. He cries when he sees homeless people. One year we were in Arizona visiting my family and a homeless woman came down her street and was digging through the trash. Ryan couldn't stand to watch it. He has a very tender heart.
I smiled at Sydney as I went through her pictures. She painted her clothes, and her face. She dumped rice all over the floor and when I caught her, she scattered it even more.
I miss the days that I had to have the alarm chime on the door so that I knew where she was. During those days I knew that if I heard 'Back Door', I was safe, but if I heard 'Front Door' I had to go running because she was on her way to the park. One day I didn't hear the door. I was in the basement and when I came upstairs, she was nowhere to be found. I panicked. We were new in the neighborhood, and not many people knew us. I went to the park and she wasn't there. I was beside myself. I ran around the block, and she was with a woman that was bringing her home. I miss that Sydney. Now she is self-sufficient. She does her own hair most days, she prefers to make her own breakfast. She helps me in the kitchen. All of those things are nice, but I miss the little girl that kept me on my toes. I guess she still keeps me on my toes, just in a different way.
I mourned for the little guy that Ryan once was. He showed me that people can do hard things. His hospital pictures are sometimes hard to look at. As he has grown, and we have documented his life through pictures, he has become a good young man. He is caring and thoughtful. I often sing to him when I put him down for bed, and there are certain songs that he won't let me sing because they break his heart. One song is by Hilary Weeks called "God Bless Your Way". It is about a man that is trying to find a place to stay the night of Christ's birth - he is constantly turned away. Ryan cries every time. He cries when he sees homeless people. One year we were in Arizona visiting my family and a homeless woman came down her street and was digging through the trash. Ryan couldn't stand to watch it. He has a very tender heart.
I love my children and I miss the days that have passed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)