Make-A-Wish Trip - London Day 3 - Tour of the City

On day 3 we were given tickets to the Panoramic Tour of London. We were a little apprehensive about the tour. We knew we would be boarding a bus, and driving around London. We had read a few forums online and the reviews were not great, but I have to be honest, I thoroughly enjoyed the tour. I love history. I love old buildings and I love imagining a time long ago. If only I could travel back in time and walk the streets of the many places I have been. There is something about walking throughout a city that has been around for hundreds of years that fascinates me.

Our courtesy shuttle arrived at our hotel at about 7:35am. The gentleman waiting for us wasn't too thrilled that we were not standing in the lobby waiting for him, but we had forgotten our tickets so we had to go back up to the room to grab them.

We stood in line for our actual tour bus for about a half hour. We were a bit nervous as we were the only 4 people in line and there were many other full lines. I approached the ticket desk twice to double check that we were in the right place. The lady assured me that we were in the right place. As we were led to load our tour bus, we were combined with another group that was actually going on a tour for the entire day. The ladies behind us in line were so put out that we 'took their seats'. Ha! I didn't feel bad that we got first pick of the bus.

Our first stop was Westminster Abbey. We got off the bus and took a few pictures. It is fascinating to me that the people are taxed for all of the elaborate buildings. I know government works in such ways, but so much of it seems so unnecessary.


























After we took a few pictures at Westminster Abbey, we boarded the bus again and drove a few of the streets of London. We had a great guide that educated us as to what all of the buildings were. Once we got to a street where the bus could drop us off again, we stopped at St Paul's Cathedral. It was another beautiful building. There is a sign inside the front door that tells you not to take pictures. Such a bummer as there were some more fascinating things to see. Everything is so ornate. There was also a sign stating that you can come inside and pray with them for free, otherwise it is 40 pounds for a family to enter. I was grateful that we were with the tour group as it included the entrance fee.

Sydney did NOT like our visit to the cathedral At.All. I was so grateful for the sequence of events. Just one day before we were on the temple grounds and there is a peace there that is tangible. Being inside the cathedral was much different and she could tell the difference. It was a great teaching moment for us.

We were unable to tour the chapel at the cathedral as there was a wedding being held there. We were able to see the bride and I cracked up at all of the tourists taking pictures of her. We saw many women in the traditional hats that are worn in England. I think we should wear more hats in the US.

Ryan and Brett outside of St Paul's Cathedral

We were allowed one hour at St Paul's cathedral and then we were boarded back on our bus. Our driver drove us by the Thames river, and we passed Big Ben, Parliament, and other noteworthy buildings. Our tour ended at noon and it was getting close to 11am so we knew it wouldn't be much longer and we would be finished. The plan was to go to Buckingham Palace to see the changing of the guard. When we arrived however, we were told that there would be no ceremony today as the guard was practicing a parade for the celebration of the Queen's birthday. We would have to return another day to see the change.

A very LARGE door at St Paul's Cathedral

Make-A-Wish Trip - London Day 2 - Football

One of the main reasons Ry wanted to go to London was to see a 'real' football (soccer) game. We spent much of the spring trying to solidify tickets. The England Premier League was in tournament and the teams that would actually play in London were not guaranteed a 'fixture'. When the date opened up for the England national team to play Peru at the end of May, we requested tickets for that team.

Ryan's favorite England team is Manchester United. We had the choice to fly into Manchester and stay there for a few days, or to go to London. After weighing pros and cons of each city, Ryan chose London. Getting tickets to the England National game was a win win as we were able to see some of the ManU players play in London.

We arrived back to the hotel from the temple and had a short window of time to change clothes, eat, and be back on the Tube to make it to our game on time. I feel bad as I had not read the tickets and doors opened at 6:30pm. We were barely there in time for Brett, Ryan and Sydney to see kickoff. I just missed it. There were 83,000 people in the stadium. The sound and the ambiance of the night caused the hair on our arms to stand straight up. We had a great time. Everyone was so friendly, and England won the game 3-0.

Before the game began, the crowd made the England flag with pieces of cardboard that were underneath the seats. We missed that part of the festivities, but we were able to use those flag pieces to make noise throughout the game. Some people made airplanes out of them and flew them on to the field. The stadium would be silent and then all of a sudden the crowd would go wild. The first few times I couldn't figure out what they were cheering for. Nothing was going on in the game that would merit such a cheer, but I soon learned that it was likely that an airplane was about to hit the field. The highlight of the night was when one of the airplanes hit a Peruvian player smack in the neck. Not only did the crowd go wild with cheers, but with laughter too. It was quite comical.

Make-A-Wish Trip - London Day 2 - The Temple

We slept in. We were supposed to be at the train station to catch a train to Lindberg by 8:30am. When Brett nudged me it was 8:33. I had been up for several hours during the night. At 3am I thought I might need to set my alarm, but honestly, I was just praying that I could finally relax and go to sleep. I failed to set the alarm and we were late as a result.

At the train station

We had an appointment at the temple for the 10am baptism session. I knew we would  not make it so I called the temple. I am so grateful for several things. I am grateful that we had free wifi in the hotel. I am also grateful that I had money tied to my Skype account so I could make the International phone calls. Skype proved to be a blessing more than once on our trip.

We all got up and showered and got ready for the day. We had purchased some breakfast foods the night before - yogurt, muffins, orange juice and fruit. We ate breakfast and headed to London's Underground (The Tube) to make our way to the train station that would take us to Lindberg. From Lindberg we took a taxi to the temple.

The temple was beautiful. It is set on several acres of land. Because of the rain that England gets, the grounds were covered with beautiful green grass. The plan was for Brett and Ryan to go and do baptisms, and Sydney and I would hang out in the visitors center.

I had prayed that we would be blessed for making the trip to the temple. London is such an expensive place and I worried that we would not be able to stretch the amount of money we were given. I had also prayed that I would be able to feel the peace of the temple, knowing that I would not have the opportunity to go inside this time. I really cannot wait until Syd is 12. It will be an amazing experience to be able to enter the temple as a family.

Sydney and I explored the Visitors Center. They had a computer there with a touch screen that had activities for kids. It was great for Syd. She was able to 'color' pictures of the temple, play temple related games, and listen to stories. It was the perfect set up for her. There was a small area that had an audio setup with testimonies from the First Presidency and Quorum of the 12. I sat there and listened to the different testimonies. I had not gotten through the First Presidency when Ryan came and sat next to me. I was surprised that he was finished already. I asked him if he had gotten through that quickly and he told me that they would have to come back. The London temple is a very small temple with not a lot of traffic coming through and the next baptism session would not be until 3pm. It was almost Noon so we decided that we would go and eat at the cafeteria in the basement of the temple. Then my prayers were answered in a way I did not expect. I now had time to do some temple work myself.

After lunch I went and did an initiatory session while Brett and the kids explored the temple grounds. What a blessing it was to be able to experience the temple INSIDE! There is no place on earth quite like the temple. When I struggle the most, I know that the temple will be my refuge from the world.

Back to the train station to head back to London

Make-A-Wish Trip - London, Day 1

The planning that went in to Ryan's trip seemed so long ago, and our trip seemed so far away. The day was finally upon us though and it was time to fly to London to help Ryan realize his wish.

Our flight left Salt Lake City at 5:15pm on Wednesday May 28th. The kids missed the last couple of days of school. Actually, Ryan missed the last week and a half of school, but that is a post for another day. We flew to Minneapolis, St Paul and then on to the London Heathrow Airport.

Ryan wanted a picture of this screen. Notice the Windows error on the right hand side. He thought that was pretty hilarious that the airline was using Windows, and that it had puked.

Sleeping on the plane was almost impossible. I wanted to trip the flight attendant on numerous occasions. No, we don't want water. We are trying to sleep. Go away. I did love the night shades that they supplied though, and unfortunately for me I lost my ear plugs when Syd needed me at some point in the night so I was unable to block out the crying baby.

We arrived in London at 12:15 local time. Just before we got off the plane, we were given a 'Landing Card'. It was to be filled out with all of our personal details. It had a line for our address, but it was unclear that it needed our hotel, so when we got in the 'Que' at the customs office we had to be moved aside so I could pull out our travel documents to find the address of our hotel.

Once we finished with Customs, we exited the airport. As we were leaving, we saw a foreign exchange booth. We had no idea there would be those same booths everywhere, so we took what cash we had and exchanged it. The exchange rate between the dollar and the pound is ridiculous. We were charged a surcharge at the airport of 3 pounds (almost $6!!!). Of course just two doors down from our hotel there was another exchange place that didn't charge anything. Oh well.

We had an uneventful ride from the airport to the hotel. We knew that we would need to do our best to stay awake until bed time to adjust to the time change.

The Taxi

The hotel

Our first stop was to walk to the Dr Who Tardis. To our surprise, we walked out of the hotel and it was pouring rain. We all put on our rain resistant coats and we walked the several blocks to get the pictures that Ryan so desperately wanted.

After we got pictures, we went to a grocery store and bought some fruit to snack on to tide us over until dinner. We also went to a store and bought a SIM card for Brett's phone. We both wish the phone service in the US was as great as the service in the UK. We were able to buy a SIM card for Brett's phone for a pound and then add minutes, text, and data for an additional 15 pounds.

For dinner we found a close restaurant and ate fish and chips. It was probably the worst fish I have ever eaten -- no seasonings, and they left the skin on the bottom of the fish. I was definitely not expecting to take a bite of skin. Needless to say, I spent a great deal of time scraping the skin off so I could at least eat my meal.

A Perfect Day

If I had the opportunity to choose the events of a perfect day, I don't know exactly what I would put together, but yesterday we had one scenario that afforded the 'perfect' day.

Yesterday Ryan was given the opportunity to take a flight with the Make-a-Wish foundation. We arrived about 45 minutes early. The first flight was to leave at 10:00am. When we arrived they were just saying their goodbyes to their parents. Shortly after watching the plane taxi down the runway, we saw the plane return. I was surprised that they could take off and land so quickly. Shortly thereafter I heard the pilot mention that because of the fog, and horrible air quality, all flights were at least 45 minutes behind. So, rather than keeping those kids in the plane for 45 minutes on the runway, they brought them back to the terminal to wait.

While waiting, we were given a tour of the Life Flight hangar, and Ryan and I were able to ride around the airport and get an education on many of the planes there. Neither of us understood a thing the guy was saying, but that's ok. We got a great 'inside' look at the lives of what our chauffer called "The Rich and Famous".

Ryan and the Co-Captain Sean

Ryan and Natalie Fish, both SCID buddies

International Aviation's  Make A Wish Dream Chaser

Hopefully the ONLY time we will be in this helicopter, unless I get my dream one day and get to work in one.

After Ryan took his flight, we headed to City Creek and had lunch. While we were sitting there President Uchtdorf of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints walked by. I couldn't convince Ryan that we needed to meet him, but it was fun to see him anyway.

We did a bit of shopping, and then we went and sat in the parking lot of the Make-A-Wish building and waited for our chance to go and have Ryan declare his wish.

The wish declaring ceremony is something that I don't know that I'll ever forget. I'm not sure what I expected, but it was more than I ever dreamed of. Our family was there along with Grandma and Grandpa Berger, and Ryan's Spanish teacher and his wife and baby. It was so touching to go around the room and share our wishes for Ryan. He declared his wish to the 'wizard' and we took pictures. We were then lead to a room where Ryan had a note waiting for him. It was the official declaration that we will be going to London. I am in awe of the feelings that we felt, and the generosity of Make-A-Wish. They have treated us like we are the most important people in the world. My heart is full..

Families are Meant to be Together

We've had a rough couple of weeks at our house. Sydney came down with a bad cold, which in turn became pneumonia, with an overnight stay in the hospital. I've learned that I know an awful lot about my children and their bodies. If I had a dollar for every time I was asked if I was a nurse over the past two weeks, I might be able to become a nurse. That dream will be realized one day.

As we sat in the hospital room last Sunday morning, there was talk of us going home. The doctor said "Mom, you're the one calling the shots here. There's no reason for you to pay to call the shots. You should go home where you can call the shots for free." I appreciated him. He recognized my knowledge of the situation and trusted that I could care for Syd at home. The downside to coming home was that we would have to send Ryan away. The plan was made for the boys to go to Grandma's house, and Sydney and I would come home.

It has almost been a week now that we have all been split up. Before the boys were gone, Syd was quarantined to her room for 5 days. This experience has not been fun, but we have learned to appreciate the small things.

Last night I had the privilege of going with Ryan to a play. I switched Brett places and spent the evening with Ry. I miss him and he misses me. As we were going to bed he came into my room and put his cheeks next to mine and caressed my hair and just stood there. It was as if he just wanted time to stand still. I felt the same way.

This morning when I dropped him off at school he said "I'm going to get my stuff s-l-o-w-l-y so I can spend just a few more minutes with the mommy."

All of this has gotten me thinking of life in an eternal perspective. I cannot imagine not being sealed to my family for eternity. I cannot fathom the thought that my marriage to Brett and my relationship with my kids could possibly end with death. I am SO grateful for the opportunity I had to enter a temple of God and be sealed to my best friend for time and all eternity. My heart could not handle it any other way. Families are meant to be together.

He Knows My Name

The air outside is frigid, yet the sun still shines and reminds me that each day it will come up yet again. From the inside window it feels as if I can run out and enjoy the beautiful sunshine, but looks are deceiving.

I have so much on my mind, in my heart, yet the words don't seem to come. If you could take a peek inside of my self, no doubt you would be surprised at the things that trouble me. This past weekend those troubling things got the best of me. The wall I have put around my heart crumbled for just a moment, long enough to be painful for me and those I love.

I spent the day yesterday in fasting and prayer. On a typical fast Sunday, I am thinking of others. My prayers are directed towards those whom I know need extra blessings from our Heavenly Father. This day though, I needed to be a bit selfish. I needed the windows of heaven to be opened for me. As I prayed, I thanked my Father in Heaven for all that he has blessed me with. I know that I rarely deserve the blessings I have been afforded. In my prayers I also asked for Him to speak to me. I needed to know He was there. I needed to know that He knew my name.

Just after 6pm we had a knock at the door. We rarely have visitors, especially on a Sunday. Our visitors were our newly called bishop and his newly called counselor, sustained earlier in the day. They were here to let us know that we were loved. They wanted us to know that our Heavenly Father had prompted them to come.

I did not expect to have my prayer answered so quickly, but it was. These good men didn't know what I had been praying for. I didn't share my thoughts with anyone but the Lord.

Many things in my life are testimony builders for me. When I doubt, I am always surprised at the love that God has for me and my family. He always delivers. Always. He knows my name.

The Miracles of Christmas

Last night I sat on the couch aside the Christmas tree admiring the lights on this magical object that is adorned in our living room. We had just finished reading the "Forgotten Carols" children's book and I was reminded of Christmas miracles that come and go each year.

As I looked up at our tree I reflected on all of the ornaments, each with its own story. My eyes fell upon the different faces of my son as he has grown over the years. We have ornaments from preschool and throughout elementary school,  toothless smiles and hand-colored frames. My eyes took me to the top of the tree where hangs the ornament that we made last year with a picture of him running cross country in Jr High. My heart began to break as I wondered if I would ever see that again. I wanted to turn back the clock! I got  up and  moved to the larger of the two couches and had him come and sit next to me. I held him. It feels so different to hold him now. The once very bony child is no longer bony. His body is a body that is now the direct effect of what prednisone does to one's self.

I then reflected of his life and the life of Him who gave us life. I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who has allowed me to be the mother of a very special young man and a very special young lady. I am so blessed to be their mother. They both have health trials. It is hard for them, yet they both love outside of themselves and I am better because of it.

So at this season of gifts, and trees, and family and love, I honor Him whom we celebrate and praise God for the Miracles of Christmas in my home.

Raising a Man

Last year I read an article about a mom who watched her son become a man over the summer. Her husband had a plan that their son would build a fence around their property that was several acres. Every day the boy would get up early and go and dig fence posts. Every day he would come in complaining and exhausted. This mom protested! Her husband was overworking her precious baby. As time went on, the complaining and protesting ceased -- it was to no avail. The husband knew what he had in mind, and nothing was going to change his plan for his son. As the summer came to an end the project of digging fence posts came near completion. The conversations at the dinner table changed. What was once feared as breaking the child labor laws of this country was now a sense of pride for one young man. Plans were made between dad and son to line the fence posts with wire to complete the project. This mother saw what her husband's plan had been all along. Her young baby boy was now a man, and he became a man by learning how to work.

Oh how I loved this article. Oh how I had my own plans of turning my young son into a man! This summer I vowed to make sure our yard was void of weeds. Ryan's job was going to be to keep up with the never-ending mess that our yard has become. As the summer wore on I failed miserably. I wasn't ready to take his childhood away, so instead I resented the yard and let it go. Week after week the weeds grew. Week after week I watched as my son mowed the lawns of neighbors to earn extra money, and I let it go. "Forgive me for my shortcomings," I would pray. "Please help me in some way to teach Ryan about becoming a man without taking his childhood," I pleaded. Little did I know that what was coming would ultimately turn my son into a man.

Sometimes our prayers are answered in ways that we don't fully understand. This past August when Ryan was diagnosed with his lung disease our world was turned upside down. Just as the axis tilts in a favorable direction, we topple over and start again. I have questioned, "Why Ryan?" What is it that I am supposed to learn from this? What is it that Ryan is supposed to learn?

Yesterday I had the opportunity of sitting in on a conversation that Ryan had with a special man. The question was posed "What is it that makes you come to me at this time of your life? You are only 13." Ryan sat there for a minute and with tears streaming down his face he said "Well, I've had to begin some medication and the diagnosis has made me think of what my Heavenly Father's plan is for me, so I've come to you." This Sunday Ryan will have the privilege of receiving his Patriarchal blessing. This is a sacred time for him and for our family. Over the past 2 months I have watched as Ryan has gotten up at 5:57am and read his scriptures, written in his journal, and practiced his piano. I have watched him walk out of the school grinning from ear to ear and letting me know just how happy he is, when by all other accounts he should not be happy.

I don't need my son to pull weeds in my yard over an entire summer. This trial we are facing is sometimes more that I can bear, but my Heavenly Father knew just what I needed and He knew better than I how to raise a man.

Into the Twilight Zone

Time for an update....

We received Ryan's lung biopsy results. Ryan has been officially diagnosed with Bronchiolitus Obliterans - a big word for a chronic lung disease that he has likely had his entire life post transplant. This condition is both irreversible and progressive. The treatment, to hopefully stop the progression, is a combination of steroids, immunosuppressants, and antibiotics. I feel like we have gone back in time. The difference here though is that Ryan is older and he knows what is going on and it is MUCH harder now.

I remember when Ryan got RSV. That diagnosis and 11-day hospital stay just about sent me over the edge. That particular hospital stay made me realize that we had been carried by a higher power during our journey in Los Angeles.

Now, 12 years later we are faced with more medical bills, more medications, the risk of contracting illnesses, weekly blood draws, and monthly tests. I have not learned my lesson well enough. I thought I had, but I realize that I was filled with much pride and I commit to be better.

I spent the day today cleaning and catching up on laundry. I didn't even come close to getting everything done. I stress that he might contract something that will put him at risk, yet I want him to live. He already knows he is different. He has been given several restrictions and it is killing him. It's a strange feeling knowing that what you are asking your child to ingest every day is the very poison that is killing what you fought so hard for. It's a strange balancing act.

Our prayers have been for Ryan's doctors. We've prayed that they will be guided in his treatment. My only challenge now is to have the faith that our prayers are heard and that the treatment he is receiving is the exact treatment that he needs to prolong his lungs.

The doctor told me to take all of the negative google searches I have read and wipe them out of my brain because Ryan will be healed. I can only cloud them over. I am a realist, and it is my safety mechanism to look at all scenarios, both good and bad.

When Ryan was on high doses of steroids as a baby, we called him 'Tiny' because he wasn't. His cheeks are starting to puff a bit and tonight he asked me to start calling him 'Tiny' again.

So, into the twilight zone we go my little 'tiny goose'.

13???

Where has all of the time gone??? I can't believe I have a teenager living in my home. This young man has brought us so much joy. Ryan is a fun, loving, caring individual. He is smart and has so many hopes and dreams. He knows where he wants to go to college, yet he is just barely starting 8th grade. Ryan is funny. Ryan is a good friend.

We awoke on Ryan's birthday to our sidewalk decorated with chalk. Happy Birthday Ryan was written everywhere. He felt so special.

Ryan had wanted a party with his friends, but since we had been home less than 24 hours from the hospital he still wasn't feeling up to doing anything. He did have a couple of friends come over and spend a few hours with him visiting. The visit was great for Ryan's spirits.

Around lunch time our good friends the Williams family came to wish Ryan a Happy Birthday. We don't have too many true friends, but Ben and Emily are definitely true friends. When Ryan was in the hospital when he was a baby, they shaved their son's head when Ryan began chemotherapy. We still have the picture of Evan with a bald little head in a picture frame that says "You Are My Sunshine". They are so special to us, and we loved having them come to wish Ryan a Happy Birthday.

Here are a few things Ryan received for his birthday

Mustache and Beard

Crown, Sword, and Awesome Glasses
Vampire teeth, Bling, a Kazoo, and who knows what else - 13 things for a 13-year old

The Lomax family also brought Ryan a bag full of goodies. He received some candy, a fun card game, and origami paper. I know there were other things that I have missed, but I didn't write them down.

Ryan had a great day. His appetite wasn't that great, but we were able to keep him medicated and happy.

Happy Birthday Son. You are an amazing young man.

Lung Biopsy - Day Two

I woke up at 5:30am anxious to get to the hospital. I knew that I had to clean my room before they would allow me to check out. The walls were paper thin, but I didn't want to go back to the Ronald McDonald house just to clean the room. Once I got to the hospital, I wanted to stay at the hospital.

I got up at 6am and showered. One of the items on the check-out list was to reline the trash can. You could get the liners at the front desk. I did not know if there would be anyone at the front desk that early, so I was very careful what I had to throw away and carried it all with me. I had heard the neighbors just as I was getting out of bed so I went ahead and vacuumed the room. I hoped they didn't hate me. I'm pretty sure the lady that I checked out with hated my guts though. She was NOT happy that I had vacuumed that early in the morning. Oh well. It was done, and I checked out.

Ryan had an X-Ray scheduled early in the morning. Nothing had been done before I arrived, which is what I had expected. Brett's report for the day was that Ryan slept well - I'm so glad. Brett even got some sleep himself. We were worried that he wouldn't be able to go to sleep because he slept all day, but thankfully he was able to drift of and get some much needed rest.

Shortly after 8am we took Ryan for the X-Ray. He still had his chest tube in and he was still feeling pretty rotten. The nurse had told me that once that tube came out he would feel 100% better. I didn't believe her. He looked miserable.  During the X-Ray process he dry heaved again. Poor little buddy didn't have anything to throw up.

The X-Ray looked great so the decision was made to remove the chest tube. It took a while before anyone came to remove it, but the nurse was right - as soon as that sucker came out, Ryan perked right up. I couldn't believe it.


Ryan has an amazing friend  that came and visited. We are grateful to the Rockwood family for coming. Sydney and her friend also came up to visit. For some reason I didn't get any pictures of that.

We spent the rest of the day resting and getting Ryan to eat. He wanted a steak so bad, so that is what he ordered for dinner. I was surprised that he ate most of it as up until that point his appetite had been nonexistent.

As we were leaving the hospital on day two, we opened the door and a lady was standing there with her dog. She asked if we wanted to participate in 'dog therapy'. Ryan loves dogs so we agreed. Below is Liberty, the big black poodle. She just laid on Ryan's bed and he played with her 'fluffy' hair.

By 7:45pm we were walking out the doors of the hospital. It is always good to be going home.

Lung Biopsy - Day One

With the new revelations in Ryan's health, the doctors decided the best course of action was for Ryan to have both a bronchoscopy and an open lung biopsy. Our scheduled date was August 12th, and since two doctors had arranged to perform his procedures, we were the first appointment of the day. The nice thing about having two doctors perform procedures at the same time is that there is very little chance that you get bumped as they are working with their schedules.

We were asked to be at the hospital at 6:30am. That means we had to leave our house at 5:30am. Sydney stayed the night at her friend's house. She was thrilled at that because we do not allow sleep-overs at our house so the thought of being able to be with a friend was thrilling to her.

We woke up at 4:45am so Brett and I could eat breakfast and Ryan could have one last drink before being without food or drink for the surgery. We made it out of the house just a bit later than 5:30. I hate being late, but it turned out that it didn't really matter as there were probably 10-ish other patients in the waiting room when we arrived shortly after 6:30.

I tell you, there is fun to be had in the surgical waiting room. :)

If I ever design a children's hospital, I'm going to make sure there are clothes of all sizes. Ryan is a skinny little thing, although he's not a toddler anymore, and he's not the size of an adult. It seems that every surgery he's ever had he either had to wear toddler-sized clothing that fit in the waist, but were capris, or adult-sized clothing. This time they gave him the adult-sized clothing. I think I could have probably climbed in the pants with him.

Once we were called back to speak with the anesthesiologist, Ryan was given a warm blanket from the blanket heater (in the background....I need one of those at my house), and he was able to play a video game.

I have to say I was very pleased with the anesthesiologist. He was very personable, and spoke to Ryan as if he was the most important person there. I appreciate that.

The surgery lasted just over an hour. We were pleasantly surprised when the surgeon, and the pulmonologist came in so soon. We were equally pleased when they told us that Ryan was doing SO well that he did not need the PICU. I for one was very grateful for that.

I am usually the one that sees Ryan straight after surgery. A lot of that is because I am the one that takes him most of the time to the Dr because Brett is working. This time though we decided, or rather I decided, that Brett needed to be the first one to go back and I would go when I was allowed. We waited almost exactly 40 minutes from the time the docs came in until they called for Brett.

Once he went back I went back to my seat and waited for my turn. There was a lady there asking all kinds of questions about why we were there. I suppose it is natural to be curious, but I did not like the curiosity one bit.

Probably about 15 minutes or so after Brett went back the phone rang in the waiting room. The conversation ensued something like this:

"Surgery waiting room this is Kathy."
Pause
"Great, well, send dad back and we'll go ahead and send mom in."
Pause
"Oooohhhh. Ok then, we'll go ahead and send mom in."
Click
"Will the mom of Ryan Berger please come to the desk, we are ready to take you back."

I walked back to the waiting room to see this....

and this

I then received the low down on both patients. Brett had passed out and when he came to, he had thrown up. The nurses also said that he had a seizure and they had paged a doctor, or asked for a doctor to come in and assess Brett. They wanted to make sure that we didn't need to take him to the ER. Thankfully the closest doctor did not think Brett would need an ER visit. His convulsions were the result of the low blood pressure when he passed out. What a relief.

I of course did what any good wife would do - I laughed. Poor Brett. 

Little Ryan was laying there hoping for more pain meds. His chest tube was causing some pretty excruciating pain. He could not get any other meds until we could make it to his room. I was ready to get him to his room, but we had to figure out what to do with Brett. Our room was not big enough for two beds so they wanted to put Brett in a wheel chair. 

They brought the wheel chair in and put Brett in it. The movement caused him to throw up again. The nurse kind of freaked out a bit and they took his blood pressure again. It was within normal range so we took Brett away in the chair. I can't remember how many more times he puked -- maybe two? At any rate, he felt terrible for most of the day and he and Ryan slept the day away. 

By night time the new nurse was insistent that Ryan walk to her desk. I didn't think that would happen, but we had to get him up and at least try. We helped him to the rest room, and he barely made it around the bed before he began to dry heave. There would be no walking to any desk tonight.

I left Brett and Ryan for the evening. I was able to go to the Ronald McDonald House that was just a couple miles away. We were unsure if Ryan would be home the following day so we decided that it was most important that I get a good night's rest as I would likely be the one that didn't sleep the following night if we were in the hospital.

It's All About Trust

There are times in life when one must slow down and regroup. Just one month ago we marked the one year anniversary of Sydney's diagnosis. She isn't thrilled about having to revisit all of those memories. She keeps telling me that she wants to feel "normal". I wish I could help her feel normal, but her new normal is that of a diabetic. The days of being able to eat, drink, and exercise without thinking of blood sugars are now over.

When Ryan was diagnosed with Severe Combined Immunodeficiency Syndrome (SCID), I was a young mother that was very naive. Walking into the unknown with him was not a problem because I didn't know any different. I remember very clearly asking the nurses how long all of 'this' would go on. Their answer was "a very long time." This 'very long time' virtually ended for us on February 28th 2003 when we got the news that Ryan's immune system had completely reconstituted and he no longer needed medications.

In time we resumed a 'normal' life. We introduced him into the outside world, wiping carts down with clorox wipes and getting crazy looks and comments from those around us. We were ahead of our time.

It is dangerous to get into a comfortable way of life. One year ago we were comfortable with our little family of four. We were stripped of that comfort when Sydney was diagnosed with T1D. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. While I do not claim to be an expert on diabetes, I am surely still learning, I began to be comfortable with our newfound life.

At the end of March Ryan told me that he was coming down with a cold. His symptoms began on March 22nd - scratchy throat, run down body. By the following Tuesday Ryan had a full blown cough. The cough was different than most coughs so I took him in to the Dr. We were sent home with some cough syrup with the instructions to return to the office if symptoms worsened. By Friday March 29 Ryan's cough sounded like that of 'whooping cough'.  I waited to take him in because I feared that if I did I would be told that it hadn't been 10 days so it was likely just the same cold and we would need to keep watching it. We kept him home from church on Sunday and on Monday morning I had heard enough of that horrific cough. I called the doctor and they had an appointment at 3pm that afternoon with our regular doctor, or I could take him in right that and be seen by the other doctor in the office. I opted for the earlier appointment as Ryan's cough was taking his breath away.

When we arrived at the doctor's office I requested that they please do a Pertussis test on him. I was declined that test as they said 'everyone else was negative' so they offered an antibiotic that would treat the cough. Ryan's symptoms did not get better. They worsened. On April 15th we returned to the Dr for his well-child check. Because it was a well-child check our Dr could not do the diagnostic tests (thanks US Government, you're the best). We returned on April 16th and the tests were performed. Ryan was diagnosed with pneumonia, and pertussis. Yay us. He was then placed on 2 antibiotics, and an inhaler steroid, with albuterol as needed for shortness of breath.

On May 16th Brett took Ryan back to the Dr for a follow-up visit. His chest X-ray was repeated and I requested PFTs. His spirometry was lower than expected so we were referred to a pulmonologist. I had sent Brett to the Dr with the instruction to request PFTs, so it was no surprise that we were referred out to a specialist.

On June 14th we took Ryan to Primary Children's to the pulmonologist for testing. What we found shocked all of us. Ryan's lungs were now functioning at 67%. Ryan has since had several more tests - CT scan, echocardiogram, and most recently an open lung biopsy and bronchoscopy. We have yet to receive the results from the lung biopsy, those will take several days to return. Our future is now unknown with our little guy.  I have refrained from putting this out there because Ryan wanted to keep things quiet. I have found though that even when you don't want your life 'out there', if you tell the right person, thinking that your confidence will be kept, you'll be surprised by how quickly news spreads. Ryan is now ready to share his story. He's scared. He's afraid that his lungs might hurt. He doesn't know how to feel. Sydney is scared.

I have many emotions. We have a history with the hospital in Salt Lake that is not a pleasant history. Without getting into details, I'll just say I feel like the doctors in Salt Lake dropped the ball. Ten years ago a radiologist noted 18 times that Ryan had signs of chronic lung disease. Imagine my surprise when I learned of these findings just 2 short months ago when I requested Ryan's medical records so that we could try to piece his medical history together. There are so many unanswered questions. So many.

Ryan has been a blessing in my life. He has taught me so many things. It was through Ryan that I turned to my Father-in-Heaven and learned that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is a healing power, not just for sinners, but for those who have broken hearts and broken bodies.

Several weeks ago I woke up early one morning deep in thought. I had an impression that my Heavenly Father missed me. It was a strange feeling, but I had the thought that while it is not my time to return to Him, He misses me and I need to turn to Him. I have not established the habits that I need to, but the only guidance I can receive is through Him who created all things. It is through Him that we will get through this trial in our lives. It's all about trust.

Summer Vacation - Day Thirteen

Our 4th of July holiday started bright and early with Sydney coming into our room at 3:30am with pink eye. She had asked me the night before to check to see if her eye had anything in it and I couldn't see anything. By 3:30am though I could see it blaring red and goopy through the glare of the night light.

We have pretty good experience with pink eye and we know that early intervention is key. Our main problem was that we got new insurance on July 1st and we did not have cards or information that we could use to take her in.

Brett and I spent the next two hours online and on the phone with the on-call nurse with our new insurance trying to figure out the best course of action. In those two hours Sydney went to the rest room 15 times. She would feel the urge to go and then just go and sit. I knew then that we were not only dealing with pink eye, but that she also had a UTI and we needed to get her help. Of course that meant that we needed to find the closest ER as the closest urgent care didn't open until 10am and with Syd's diabetes, the urgency of her getting care is multiplied by 1,000.

By 5:30 I had finally gone in to wake Uncle Ken to see where we needed to take her for treatment.

We made our way to the ER and I have to say we were treated better there than most any other place we have ever gone for treatment. I was so impressed by the facility and within a couple of hours we were on our way with prescriptions. We then spent the next hour and a half trying to get to a 24-hour pharmacy. Each one we went to didn't open until 9 or 10. By the time we finally got to the 24-hour CVS, we could have sat in the parking lot of the first one we went to. Oh well.


By mid afternoon we were ready to head into DC to watch the fireworks at the nation's capitol. Sydney was feeling better and she had meds being pumped into her every few hours. We bought KFC to take with us to eat and I realized why I don't frequent the place. It was easier to do that than anything else though.

Our view of the fireworks was absolutely fantastic. I don't think we could have picked a better place to celebrate the birthday of our country and to wrap up our amazing trip.

Summer Vacation - Day Eleven and Twelve

With Sydney not feeling that great, we decided that we needed to just stay home for a day and let her body rest. We spent Tuesday watching videos and just laying around. It was a nice break from the constant movement that we had done since we had left home on the 22nd of June.

On Wednesday Brett and Ryan had the opportunity to go to the Washington DC Temple. The DC temple has a special spot in Brett's family. His grandfather Elmer Crowley documented the building of that temple through many pictures. It was a special place for Ryan to be able to go with his dad.

This home belonged to Brett's grandmother and is located close to the DC temple.

While the boys were out, Sydney and I went and had pedicures with Aunt Tricia and Kara. Sydney was absolutely thrilled. I am not a big pedicure person, but Sydney is and it was so kind of Tricia to treat us to such a fun girls day out.